5:30- I wake up. I never use an alarm clock, because I don’t even need to be up for class until 7, but I’m up anyway. I lay in bed for almost an hour thinking over what I need to do that day, and stressing myself out about at least parts of it. My depression kicks in and urges me to just stay in bed, or how I shouldn’t try because I’m just going to fail.
6:30- I finally bring myself to turn on my light now. I turn on something on Netflix to watch, and usually get distracted. I wash my face, I put on my makeup. I never was really able to go out in public without my makeup on.
6:45- I brush my teeth, try to do something with my hair and when that fails I just throw it up in a ponytail. I put on clothes that are just baggy enough that they don’t show anything, but I don’t look like I’m wearing a giant sack.
7:00- I check my backpack and then I put on my shoes. I check my backpack again. I make sure I have my keys, wallet, and phone and then I head out to my car. I check my backpack again, just to make sure I’m not forgetting anything. The joys of OCD.
7:30- I make it to school and manage to find a parking spot on campus. I spend at least a couple minutes making sure that I’m not parked too close or too far away from the car in front of me. I grab my stuff and head into the nearest building. I’m two hours late for class because I was scared that somehow traffic would be so terrible that I would be late.
8:00- I find some quiet spot in the library or other part of campus to sit and read. I get bored of this quickly though so I try to do homework. I finish that too quickly and now I watch Netflix.
9:30- I get to my first class and check, re-check, and triple check my assignments before turning them in. I get back assignments or tests and am never happy enough with the grade, even when it’s a 95% staring back at me. I check my grades and never see all of the As, only the single A-.
11:30- I make it through my first class while zoning out half the time and doodling in my notebook. My second class is just a repeat of the first, only with more people that I don’t talk to or even bother to know the names of.
12:30- I’m done with class and I run to my car. I drive home faster than I should and I collapse in my bed. I pull the blankets up and set an alarm and take a nap.
2:30- I wake up to my alarm, and force myself to get up and ready for work. I grab my work bag and check that I have everything. I grab my ID and head to my car. I check my bag again.
3:00- I get to work where I work with roughly a hundred screaming elementary schoolers. I hear comment after comment about school that day, about what some kid said in class, or about some injustice that took place on the playground. I zone out and just nod along so they feel heard.
3:20- We get into our groups and I check and re-check that I have every kid and their name slips. I go over the rules that we have all heard a hundred times again, and let them go to have fun. I pace around the room, checking every kid and doing head checks over and over again in my head. I keep my walkie turned to the highest volume just to be sure that I don’t miss a call. I follow the rules to the letter because I am too scared of being caught breaking one. Except for hugging my kids. If one of them wants a hug, they are getting a hug.
5:30- I get off work and check my work bag to make sure I have everything. I drive home. I eat dinner and head back to my bedroom and my safe space. I strip off the uncomfortable clothes of the day, and watch Netflix, or draw, or write, something that makes me happy. I check in with my friends, making sure they are all doing okay.
7:00- I procrastinate doing homework as long as I can before the stress of it gets to me. I manage to finish at least what is due the next day, and leave the rest as a problem for tomorrow.
10:00- I feed my pets, I check and re-check that I locked the doors. I check and re-check that all candles are blown out and that all lights are off. I check and re-check that I feed all my pets. I check and re-check that I did everything I was supposed to, following the to-do list in my head.
10:30- I go to sleep.